I continue to struggle this Christmas season. So much seems in turmoil lately: the political scandals, bail-outs, missing children, economic trials, soldiers away from their families... It's gotten to the point that I don't turn on the news anymore because I just feel so far away from God when I hear all of the bad things going on. So, I try to stay away from negative things going on outside of my little world.
But then there's the personal struggles - and those are more present, more demanding, and I can't just turn them off:
- The conflict I feel on a daily basis because when Monkey moves, I smile and feel such joy; yet, I am instantly reminded of my 2 angel nieces/nephews and how unfair it is that the joy that I was sharing being pregnant at the same time with my sister is no longer there. And my heart aches for the babies that I won't get to dote over as Aunt Kiki, and it breaks in half for my sister and brother because I know the confusion and hurt that they are experiencing - which can be especially difficult during the Christmas season.
- The conflict I am feeling as a parent of a toddler who is testing limits, but who, in 4 short months will no longer have our constant and undivided attention. How do I set those limits to make sure that we are raising a responsible, loving, well-adjusted child when all I want to do is smother her and spoil her to make sure that she knows how much she is totally loved in preparation for a new life with her brother/sister?
- The conflict I feel as a wife, who selfishly misses her husband in the 'early-just-the-two-of-us' ways of dinners out without sippy cups and crayons, lazy Sunday afternoons watching football, drinking beer and eating wings, after work recaps of the day and laundry-always-done-and-folded-before-you-ask-here-is-your-morning-cup-of-coffee-baby-have-a-good-day ways. Where now our exchanges frequently sound like Did-you-get-diapers-have-you-seen-her-paci-she-had-a-meltdown-at-school-do-you-want-McDonalds-or-ChicFilA-for-dinner-where-is-her-Elmo Sings-DVD?
And yet through all of this, I keep hearing it in my head:
"Slow down..." Oh, but there is too much to do!
"Slow down." I have to make sure everything is ordered, wrapped, prepped, kissed, fed, clothed...
"Slow down. Listen."
I hear you, God. I do. Thank you.
Love,
Kristen
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